life together.

right now it's like this:
the light peeks in through the blinds around 6:55 when you want to wake up at 7:00. you're not quite ready to wake up, but you might as well. you welcome the morning and the bright sunshine that comes in the form of children running into your living room unannounced.

this is what the day holds, you say. you usually like your mornings quiet, but you welcome the noise along with the breeze through the open door full of questions. because you know you're not asking them alone.

also, someone made a pot of coffee.


so, urban term starts today. that was my weird way of expressing how i feel about it.
our house is beginning to feel like home. and i look forward to calling this place just that. home.

two things:

every time i walk in the door i see this: mi casa es su casa

every time i open my lap top i see this: the ownership of property is theft
i'm still figuring this one out, but...

these two thoughts i welcome into my life starting now.

we will eat on the floor. we will use public transportation. we will pray together. laugh together. eat together. learn, question, walk, and get frustrated together.

it will not be glamorous. but it will be beautiful.

so i guess, let the sunshine come in. let's make some pancakes and rearrange the furniture.
that's all i have to say for now.

respect.

I am sorry if you have felt that i don't respect you.
i am sorry that we do not see eye to eye.
i'm sorry that through some series of misfortunes and twists and turns of life, we may never see eye to eye.
for my eyes have not seen what yours have, and never will, i'm afraid. and your eyes are closed to the new things i see being offered by this world. maybe not blind, but definitely closed. for some well-justified reasons, you do not want to look.
and i can not blame you for that.
i can only ask that we find some way to come to a stance of mutual respect.

i realize that i have not always given you patience, or kindness, or spoken with thoughtful, sincere words.
i realize that my actions have often unintentionally caused you pain.


boundaries.
we need some.
for some unexplained reason our roles have switched, mingled and become confused. who is the child?
i do not know how to solve these problems. i only know how to ask questions, as a child. i only know how to grow, to explore, to wait for guidance, to wait for
boundaries.
because we need some.

here are some boundaries
do not tell me to suck it.
do not tell me tough shit.
do not tell me how i feel, or what i think, or what i should believe.

i can respect your ideas, your beliefs. i can respect your worries, and your desire to protect.
but i must ask that you respect my ability to think, my ability to make decisions, to keep myself safe. i must ask that you allow me the space to grow, to ask questions. i must ask for grace when i do not have everything figured out yet.

i also see that it is only fair that i return these.
i can respect you, unless the respect you demand is obedience. that, i can not guarantee.
i regret to say that i can no longer pretend to be a pre-pubescent adolescent girl. there are so many other voices in this world to be heard in addition to just yours, and i cannot deny them the opportunity of being heard.


conversations.
these, we must also have.

conversations are a two way street.
here's a road map:
ask follow up questions, check your rear-view mirror
understand that i will not drive when you have road rage. i will park my car. and say peace.
i will try to respect what you have to say, but i will not necessarily agree with you.

respect, conversations, boundaries.
these must all happen. these must all be mutual. i can not do them alone. it's not fair to ask that of me.

the end of this will be a long time coming.
but i find comfort in knowing that things will get better.

you just have to let me grow.

time is money?

Okay, so instead of doing my work, i am going to write about my thought of the week. i've talked about it with a few people, and i am still thinking about it and if it actually means anything or if it just means nothing.

So, i have to write in the journal for my macroeconomics class. weird, right? well, i'm supposed to talk about how economics relates to my life or whatever.

here is the thought i came up with while trying to finish this journal to get my 27 points or something.

Time is money. that's what we say. time is valuable. use time wisely, we say. we spend time. we waste time. we save time. we invest time. in others, in hobbies, in skills, in our pets, in our iphones. we manage time. we budget time. so, time is linear, it's one-time-use only. you have a minute, you use it, (or waste, or save it) and then it's gone. we talk about time largely in economic terms.

so, next question, what does that mean for relationships with people?
are relationships just commodities that we use or invest in where it seems most beneficial to us, most profitable? do we auction them off when that part of us dies, or when we need to clean out our house and go shopping for new furniture?
and is this commodification (real word?) of relationships okay?

or should time be something we share? something we experience with others?

consequently, i still talk about spending time. because time is money. ?

dear diary

Dear Diary,
mood: overwhelmed

I am sorry I have neglected you. But, I am overwhelmed. The to-do list is growing longer and my ability to stay awake for extended periods of time is shrinking. I am overwhelmed. with what i have learned, and with what i have yet to learn. with the disparity i find between my understandings of this world and the understandings held by those closest to me. with the unrelenting desire i have to screw school and go sit on the beach and read Harry Potter and books about Morocco.

4 weeks, people. count them. it's that time.
that time where there are 4985724 things to do and .0007 % motivation to do them.

it's that time where some feel the need to pull closer to friends for fear of losing them over the coming months of absence, and were some feel the need to pull away from friends to make the goodbyes feel less painful.

it's that time where you tell your silly heart to give up because it would be pointless to find someone so close to summer, that time when you feel like things will be so different in such a short time from now..on the other side of summer...fall, autumn.

but we welcome the changes that the dry, warm summer brings. a time to breathe, to rest, to prepare, to explore, to adventure.

some new developments:
Morocco is for sure. august 28th. 3.5 months. hey hey.
living in a trailer for five weeks in july/august? YOU BET.
living with 11 other amazing people for 8 weeks in the colorful community of city heights? most definitely.

also, haikus are hip. try it.

welcome, summer sun
pull me away from this place
bring new adventures

and we clap our hands.

Now, it's time for Palm Sunday revisited.
What does the church look like?

I think it sort of looks like seven congregations speaking different languages gathering outside in City Heights to read the story of Christ's triumphal entry.
I think it looks like waving palm branches and singing Hosanna with people you love, people you don't know, and people you might not have cared to know before.

I think it looks like living in the midst of this song, this praise, while watching a man get arrested outside the doors of the church. and living in that tension, and not knowing the answers to the questions that come to your mind.

questions like, wait, so what does the church look like? and what does justice look like?

pass the peace of Christ. wait, how do you do that?
partake of the Eucharist, the holy meal, the Lord's supper.
become re-membered to this body, this bride, this supposed representation of who Christ is, was, will be. anticipate the coming of good Friday, and of Easter.
wait, what does that look like again?

I think the church looks like people. people who are different. who disagree. people who see the world differently. and because of that can see the parts others may overlook.

when we can have the heart of Christ
to understand what it means to follow the God of the broken. to be a friend to the weak.
to wash the feet of the weary. to embrace the ones in need.

yes. i quoted vineyard. props to you, vineyard. good song.

the trains carry our secrets away. toot toot!

whenever i think about sitting down to write something, i think of way too many things to write about. and then when i actually sit down to stop, think, process, write...i feel like i don't actually have anything to say.

but i realize it has been a few days since i've been here...to this magical space i have for some reason created for myself.
so, here goes.

today is Tuesday...for now...but let's revisit to Palm Sunday.
actually. let's revisit to pre-Palm Sunday Saturday...
i am always thankful for quality time with friends. and for opportunities to escape the everyday events with a trip to the beach with great people.
enter the adventures of the train whisperers...
our first quest: to make dinner...italian sandwiches, a definite success. yay for avocado..you don't get that in the caf, no sir.
next, we tell secrets, but only when the train goes by to carry them away never to be heard again.
then we storm the city...or just stroll through little italy..and accidentally set off a parking garage alarm trying to sneak in so we can see airplanes land.
there's nothing like a good prayer before a meal, a nice warm cup of apple cider, and good conversations with people you love.

train whisperers.secret tellers.adventurers.thinkers.talkers.

to be continued in a few minutes.

Lestat's has better coffee.

All-nighters are my favorite thing to do. Aren't they your favorite thing to do?

They should be. It's kind of like this:
When you already know you're going to be up all night...the pressure is sort of off...as long as it's not 5 a.m. and you're still only halfway done with your assignment due at 8 a.m.

let's hope that doesn't happen....

thank goodness for americanos. with raw sugar. and half and half.