2.22.11

i'm really quite terrible at loving other people.
i keep people around because they benefit me.
i'm terrible at relationships i forget birthdays and dont ask questions
or take the time to stop and talk when i am in a hurry
the world is only viewed on my terms and what i have to do today
or what test i'm going to fail tomorrow.

i forget that you had a bad day at work
or that your grandfather just died
or it's hard for you to spend time with him
i don't ask if you are thirsty or what your biggest dreams are

i just want you to bring me my coffee before it gets cold and not in that damn paper cup
and i don't care that you are depressed because your
paranoia
gets in my way and makes me uncomfortable.

i've decided to keep walking.

you woke up late and now my coffee is cold.

i'll water the plants in your backyard with the grits of my now stale colombian blend. but don't expect me to make another pot. those beans farmed and harvested and shipped from a foreign land are far to precious for me to t h r o w a w a y again. while i wait for you t o w a k e u p .
so
i'll come back in the afternoon after work. when the sunlight s t r e a m s through your backyard and the scent of jasmine wafts through the open windows.
you are awake now. so we talk about our days because we neglected to spend them t o g e t h e r .

and i will walk home with a song in my ear and plans to come by again tomorrow. afternoon. at the same time. with the same streaming sun and the same scented flowers.
without coffee.
because i know you won't wake up. and i've decided to keep walking w i t h o u t you.
but i'll always s t o p b y .

we wax and we wane.

well. after a brief intermission, it's back to real life again. back to questions and adventures and people.

when you get past the superficial questions, the how-was-your-trips and the what-was-it-likes, and sit down.
life
questions
stories
laughter
frustrations
tears
can be shared.

and this is where life happens.

more to come. i'm back, i promise.
the bathtub is dripping water drops something fierce.

i am home.

warm and safe. after many adventures and misadventures on the European continent.

with missed trains, emotional breakdowns, history lessons, gluwein and bratwurst, wonderful visits with family, frozen toes, naps on the metro in paris, techno shows, chocolate, waffles, playing with kids, and not a lot of sleep,
I filled the last ten days of my journey abroad.

now I am sitting in my dining room, making tomato soup from scratch, crocheting some hand cozies, listening to sufjan christmas, and looking forward to a day of cookie making with grandma and wedding dress fitting with the wonderful Krista. (she's getting married! say yay!)

my mom gave me a sunflower apron. and my dad is teaching me how to make bread from scratch. and i got to talk to three wonderful people on the telephone.

it's good to be home.
yay!

tomorrow is my last day in morocco.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

crazy.

wish me luck.

nuremburg, brussels, paris

cousins, courtney, steve aoki and uffie

get ready for this.

two weeks. save up all the days.

in the past four days,

i have managed to lose:

1. my moroccan cell phone
2.a plastic bag containing
a. one kilo of tangerines
b. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
c. ?
3.a 50 dirham bill
4.any ability to write anything coherently
5.my mind


have you seen any of these things?