we've forgotten the complexity of emotions.

happy

sad

afraid

lost

lonely

hopeful

are not adequate.

long life and happiness

I was privileged to be a part of my dear friend's wedding.

I wish Krista and Justin all happiness and peace, and I hope they enjoy these choice photos from the wedding festivities (plus the horse that entertained me outside of the hair salon)

past thoughts revisited.

I stumbled upon this entry in my journal, and felt like typing it out once again would provide some sort of release. I hope you enjoy it in the process.
also, i'm making an effort to be more diligent in the recording of my thoughts.

here goes:

you will find that i am quite u n o r i g i n a l. most things about me are not unique. and the parts i like are adaptations or direct copies of those around me. i am guilty of plagiarism. i would also be guilty of dishonesty if i were to tell you that my thoughts. ideas. methods. mannerisms, even, were my own. and i am mildly fearful that these said aspects of my personality will leave me. at least the few that i approve of.

i am not sure i am able to do this relationship thing. i fail to be kind to people quite often. my selfishness takes over. i run away. it's so much easier, at least sometimes. because if i run away, you can't figure out that all those things are just copies.
faded renditions of qualities i admire in others but fail to accurately capture.
like a poor english translation of a neruda poem, or a print of the starry night. i only hope i can deceive you just enough for you to convince me to not run away. because that will invariably happen.

sometimes it seems like i push people away on purpose.

it's easier to do that than to share with them.

or is it.

it's that time

you know,

the time where cassie thinks she's a robot who lives on negative hours of sleep and copious amounts of terrible 7-eleven coffee.

that time where she decides to pay some attention to her neglected blog in a desperate attempt to procrastinate just a little longer.

that time where she tells you that all she can think about is SUMMER!

where she will be living in the beloved City Heights once again
with wonderful people once again

and that time where she will be working at CPI doing an awesome internship 40 hours a week!
and getting paid too!

it's that time of the year.

things are happening.

i'm not sure when, or what conclusion those things will come to.

but, on another point, here are some photos.

a village older than martin luther, germany

someone's attic, bavaria, deutschland

Highway 49

somewhere, I-5, California

"may your mind be a mansion for all lovely thoughts to dwell"

2.22.11

i'm really quite terrible at loving other people.
i keep people around because they benefit me.
i'm terrible at relationships i forget birthdays and dont ask questions
or take the time to stop and talk when i am in a hurry
the world is only viewed on my terms and what i have to do today
or what test i'm going to fail tomorrow.

i forget that you had a bad day at work
or that your grandfather just died
or it's hard for you to spend time with him
i don't ask if you are thirsty or what your biggest dreams are

i just want you to bring me my coffee before it gets cold and not in that damn paper cup
and i don't care that you are depressed because your
paranoia
gets in my way and makes me uncomfortable.

i've decided to keep walking.

you woke up late and now my coffee is cold.

i'll water the plants in your backyard with the grits of my now stale colombian blend. but don't expect me to make another pot. those beans farmed and harvested and shipped from a foreign land are far to precious for me to t h r o w a w a y again. while i wait for you t o w a k e u p .
so
i'll come back in the afternoon after work. when the sunlight s t r e a m s through your backyard and the scent of jasmine wafts through the open windows.
you are awake now. so we talk about our days because we neglected to spend them t o g e t h e r .

and i will walk home with a song in my ear and plans to come by again tomorrow. afternoon. at the same time. with the same streaming sun and the same scented flowers.
without coffee.
because i know you won't wake up. and i've decided to keep walking w i t h o u t you.
but i'll always s t o p b y .

we wax and we wane.

well. after a brief intermission, it's back to real life again. back to questions and adventures and people.

when you get past the superficial questions, the how-was-your-trips and the what-was-it-likes, and sit down.
life
questions
stories
laughter
frustrations
tears
can be shared.

and this is where life happens.

more to come. i'm back, i promise.
the bathtub is dripping water drops something fierce.